The 29,931 Day Diet Plan - Copyright Stuart Macfarlane
Days 1 – 181
Cot Cuisine
At this very young age you
have not yet conceived the notion of overweight, diet or misery. The
words carbohydrate, protein, calories, polyunsaturated and
cholesterol are all terms which have not revealed their full terror
for you. Oblivious to the sinister side of food you would happily
suck on anything - a sweaty old sock, a high carbohydrate, high
energy, bar of chocolate, a milk filled breast – it makes no
difference to you. Mum however is obsessed with your weight, worries
constantly that you are too thin, too fat or both, and in an effort
to allay her fears weighs you four times a day. This causes your
lifelong obsession with your weight and the paranoia which ensures
that not a single day goes by without your worrying that you might
be gaining a few pounds. It is also the reason why, throughout your
entire life, every single time you eat a chocolate the pleasure is
spoiled by intense feelings of guilt. From here on every day is a
diet day!
Breakfast:
86 sucks
Exercise:
Howling and bawling at the top of your voice.
Morning Snack:
43 sucks
Exercise:
Peeing over everything in sight
Lunch:
66 sucks
Exercise:
Puking over mum’s new dress
Afternoon Snack:
32 sucks
Exercise:
GooGoo GaaGaa practice
Dinner:
123 sucks
Exercise:
Looking sweet and innocent.
Supper:
28 sucks
Night Snacks:
Every forty minutes from 10pm until 6 am : between 1 and 12 sucks
Night Exercise:
Regular screaming and intermittent breath holding to ensure mum and
dad can never relax.
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