The 29,931 Day Diet Plan - Copyright Stuart Macfarlane

The Lighter Side of Dieting

It was her first night at Weight Watchers and Sue was feeling a little nervous. To help her feel at ease the other members began a discussion about the foods they most wanted to buy as they went round the supermarket. One man confessed that French cheeses were his greatest weakness and a rather large woman said she found it almost impossible to resist anything smothered in chocolate.   Finally it was Sue’s turn to admit her cravings. Taking a deep breath, she confided, "To be honest I can’t resist anything in aisles three, four, five, six or nine."

A young man went to visit his doctor. He had a carrot up one nostril, a cucumber in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "Doctor, doctor,” he gasped, “I’ve got dreadfully sore ears and can hardly breathe! What’s wrong with me?" The doctor looked at him for a few minutes, shook his head sorrowfully and replied, "You're not eating properly."

Elizabeth was telling her best friend about the new man in her life, "Allan is a strict vegetarian - he never, ever touches meat. I don’t mind that but unfortunately he’s also incredibly dull - the only things he ever talks about are vegetables. He would talk for hours about growing all his own food and how to make the perfect salad. And when we go out for a meal it’s always to Vegan restaurants. When he takes me to lunch we have salad. When he takes me out to dinner we have salad. His idea of a wicked treat is for us to share a yoghurt. For the last four weeks I’ve eaten, talked and lived vegetables!

"Well, If you don't like him, why don't you just dump him and find someone more exciting?" enquired her friend. "Oh I couldn’t do that’ retorted Elizabeth ‘At least not for another few weeks - I’m losing so much weight!"

It was John’s twenty-first birthday party and everyone was having a great time. At last it was time for the birthday boy to cut his cake. After blowing out the candles and making a wish he cut it into huge slices for his guests. Crossing the room with two extra large pieces he handed them to his best friend Graham and his wife Catherine. Immediately Catherine pulled a photograph from her bag and thrust it in front of Graham’s face. Instantly Graham handed the plates back to John and announced that he was not hungry. “What was that all about?” asked John when he got Graham alone later.  ‘Since we got married two years ago we have both put on a little weight.’ sighed Graham, “This summer we would like to go back to where we spent our honeymoon – a wonderfully warm resort with a fantastic nudist beach.  But as an incentive to lose weight we are only going to go if we both get back into shape. We have agreed that if either of us is tempted by fattening food the other will do whatever they can to kill the craving. So whenever I get tempted, as I did earlier, Alice shows me a photograph of her on that beach and I completely lose my appetite!”