The 29,931 Day Diet Plan - Copyright Stuart Macfarlane

Day 712 – 1024                                The Toddler Diet

Few toddlers are overweight! They have accidentally discovered an excellent combination of nutritional food and healthy exercise.  In fact the diet and exercise routine performed by the average two year old may be the perfect Lifestyle Health Plan for everyone.

Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast cut into the shape of ‘soldiers’.  Using your fingers, check that the egg is properly hard-boiled. Wipe the gooey yolk onto your hair and push a little as far as possible into your ear. Suck on a soldier for several minutes until it becomes soft and yucky then spit it out all over dad. Smash egg with spoon until, finally, it flies across the room and hits the cat. Stuff all the other ‘soldiers’ into your mouth and swallow as much as possible before mum prises it all out to stop you choking.

Exercise: Rush around the room hitting everything with a yellow plastic hammer until you manage to break something valuable. Retreat to your bedroom so that your older brother gets the blame.

Morning Snack: Two highly nutritious wriggly worms – these supply some 40% of your daily vitamin requirements.

Exercise: Chase cat around and around and around the garden until you either catch her tail or you fall in a dizzy heap onto the grass.

Lunch: Gobble down half a packet of potato crisps – feed the rest to the cat. Take your glass of milk – have three sips, then spill the rest on the carpet. Devour four crayons – yellow taste best – these supply some 30% of the day’s protein requirements.

Exercise: Have a tantrum in the supermarket, kick, scream and cry until mum gives in and buys you the toy you desperately want but will be bored with before you get home.

Afternoon Snack: The tyres of two toy cars, a hairy spider found in the bath and some tasty gunge from down the side of a chair.

Exercise:  Play cars with your very best friend. Hit him repeatedly until you posses all the cars and your very best friend has none.

Dinner: A tin of beef stroganoff heated until it is disgustingly lukewarm. Mix the stroganoff in the bowl using both hands. Gradually increase the speed of mixing until stroganoff spins off in all directions covering wallpaper, carpet and cat. Rub hands across your face to make it look as if you have eaten it all.

Exercise: Deconstruct the massive Lego model dad spent hours building for you.

Bedtime snack: Chew on your favourite teddy for several hours until you fall asleep.