The 29,931 Day Diet Plan - Copyright Stuart Macfarlane

Day 365                                       First Birthday Bedlam

It’s your very first birthday and you feel really grown up, intelligent and sophisticated. You have mastered the key words necessary for survival; ‘din-dins’, ‘yummies’, ‘yuck’, ‘need poo poo’ and ‘ooops, too late!”

This is an important pivotal point in your life. You are now able to make your own decisions about lifestyle and diet for you have found freedom and are capable of wobbling your way around the whole house. This gives you access to all sorts of goodies such as biscuit barrels and sweet jars. It also allows you to experiment with a vast array of other deliciously tempting items – like washing up liquid and shoe polish.

Breakfast: Rusks mashed in tepid milk – these taste disgusting but are excellent for blowing big, gooey, messy bubbles.

Morning Exercise: Open up all the great presents. Play for ages with the best one of all – the big red box! It makes a great space station. Pity that the box contained a train when you desperately wanted a Scalelectrix.

Pre-Snack Snack Take six Jaffa cakes, scrunch them up and mix them in with the cat food to give the cat a nice meal. Finish off the rest of the packet yourself.

Morning Snack: Porridge! You hate porridge at the best of times and you still have a nasty fishy taste left in your mouth from those Jaffas so you don’t feel very hungry. Tip the bowl onto the floor to let mum know that you’ve finished.

Exercise: While mum is busy cleaning the carpet take the chance to explore her handbag. Scrunch up those little pieces of paper with the funny £ signs on them and cover them with the smelly red liquid from the bright little bottles.

Party Dinner: Mum and dad have made masses of gorgeous food but sadly a large number of friends and relatives have unexpectedly turned up for some ‘party’ thing. While mum and dad keep them diverted by playing silly games eat as much of the food as possible.

Evening Exercise: Be sick everywhere!

Supper: You are famished but mum says that there is to be no supper because you ate far too much earlier. This is so stupid – has she forgotten that you puked it all up?