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A selection of random funny poems from our vast
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Alive Together by Lisel Mueller
Speaking of marvels, I am alive together with you, when I might have been alive with anyone under the sun, when I might have been Abelard's woman or the whore of a Renaissance pop or a peasant wife with not enough food and not enough love, with my children dead of the plague. I might have slept in an alcove next to the man with the golden nose, who poked it into the business of stars, or sewn a starry flag for a general with wooden teeth. I might have been the exemplary Pocahontas or a woman without a name weeping in Master's bed for my husband, exchanged for a mule, my daughter, lost in a drunken bet. I might have been stretched on a totem pole to appease a vindictive god or left, a useless girl-child, to die on a cliff. I like to think I might have been Mary Shelley in love with a wrong-headed angel, or Mary's friend. I might have been you. This poem is endless, the odds against us are endless, our chances of being alive together statistically nonexistent; still we have made it, alive in a time when rationalists in square hats and hatless Jehovah's Witnesses agree it is almost over, alive with our lively children who--but for endless ifs-- might have missed out on being alive together with marvels and follies and longings and lies and wishes and error and humor and mercy and journeys and voices and faces and colors and summers and mornings and knowledge and tears and chance.
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I Heard You, Solemn-sweep Pipes Of The Organ by Walt Whitman
I heard you, solemn-sweet pipes of the organ, as last Sunday morn I pass'd the church; Winds of autumn!--as I walk'd the woods at dusk, I heard your long- stretch'd sighs, up above, so mournful; I heard the perfect Italian tenor, singing at the opera--I heard the soprano in the midst of the quartet singing; ... Heart of my love!--you too I heard, murmuring low, through one of the wrists around my head; Heard the pulse of you, when all was still, ringing little bells last night under my ear
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Mr. Apollinax by T. S. Eliot
When Mr. Apollinax visited the United States His laughter tinkled among the teacups. I thought of Fragilion, that shy figure among the birch-trees, And of Priapus in the shrubbery Gaping at the lady in the swing. In the palace of Mrs. Phlaccus, at Professor Channing-Cheetah's He laughed like an irresponsible foetus. Otis laughter was submarine and profound Like the old man of the sea's Hidden under coral islands Where worried bodies of drowned men drift down in the green silence, Dropping from fingers of surf. I looked for the head of Mr. Apollinax rolling under a chair Or grinning over a screen With seaweed in its hair. I heard the beat of centaur's hoofs over the hard turf As his dry and passionate talk devoured the afternoon. 'He is a charming man'--'But after all what did he mean?'-- 'His pointed ears ... He must be unbalanced,'-- 'There was something he said that I might have challenged.' Of dowager Mrs. Phlaccus, and Professor and Mrs. Cheetah I remember a slice of lemon, and a bitten macaroon.
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The Akond of Swat by Edward Lear
Who, or why, or which, or what, Is the Akond of SWAT?
Is he tall or short, or dark or fair? Does he sit on a stool or a sofa or a chair, or SQUAT, The Akond of Swat?
Is he wise or foolish, young or old? Does he drink his soup and his coffee cold, or HOT, The Akond of Swat?
Does he sing or whistle, jabber or talk, And when riding abroad does he gallop or walk or TROT, The Akond of Swat?
Does he wear a turban, a fez, or a hat? Does he sleep on a mattress, a bed, or a mat, or COT, The Akond of Swat?
When he writes a copy in round-hand size, Does he cross his T's and finish his I's with a DOT, The Akond of Swat?
Can he write a letter concisely clear Without a speck or a smudge or smear or BLOT, The Akond of Swat?
Do his people like him extremely well? Or do they, whenever they can, rebel, or PLOT, At the Akond of Swat?
If he catches them then, either old or young, Does he have them chopped in pieces or hung, or SHOT, The Akond of Swat?
Do his people prig in the lanes or park? Or even at times, when days are dark, GAROTTE, The Akond of Swat?
Does he study the wants of his own dominion? Or doesn't he care for public opinion a JOT, The Akond of Swat?
To amuse his mind do his people show him Pictures, or any one's last new poem, or WHAT, For the Akond of Swat?
At night if he suddenly screams and wakes, Do they bring him only a few small cakes, or a LOT, For the Akond of Swat?
Does he live on turnips, tea, or tripe? Does he like his shawl to be marked with a stripe, or a DOT, The Akond of Swat?
Does he like to lie on his back in a boat Like the lady who lived in that isle remote, SHALLOTT, The Akond of Swat?
Is he quiet, or always making a fuss? Is his steward a Swiss or a Swede or Russ, or a SCOT, The Akond of Swat?
Does like to sit by the calm blue wave? Or to sleep and snore in a dark green cave, or a GROTT, The Akond of Swat?
Does he drink small beer from a silver jug? Or a bowl? or a glass? or a cup? or a mug? or a POT, The Akond of Swat?
Does he beat his wife with a gold-topped pipe, When she let the gooseberries grow too ripe, or ROT, The Akond of Swat?
Does he wear a white tie when he dines with friends, And tie it neat in a bow with ends, or a KNOT. The Akond of Swat?
Does he like new cream, and hate mince-pies? When he looks at the sun does he wink his eyes, or NOT, The Akond of Swat?
Does he teach his subjects to roast and bake? Does he sail about on an inland lake in a YACHT, The Akond of Swat?
Some one, or nobody, knows I wot Who or which or why or what Is the Akond of Swat?
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